Living with ADHD

Photo by alevision.co on Unsplash

Hey, fun fact: did you know that people with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) don’t actually have a deficit in attention so much as a fundamental issue regulating and distributing that attention correctly? It’s a misnomer, essentially, in fact, even the hyperactivity part isn’t as common as you’d think, nor does it look the way you’ve imagined it.

(I wanted to tell you this cool bit of trivia before I forget it completely–welcome to my life)

Have you ever thought to yourself – “What is ADHD ? It seems a bit made-up. It’s just a laziness thing. People just use this made-up disorder so they can have an easy excuse for being lazy and unproductive all the time. It’s not a real disorder. It’s all in your head.”

If yes, then do I have some news for you, it is all in my head, my brain to be specific, so you’re partially correct!

My brain dictates a lot of important things like what I do or don’t, when I do or don’t, how I do and don’t, when I do or don’t, and, well, whether I do or don’t. I don’t think I need to explain this to you, you know this already (of course you do!) so it should come as no surprise that an impairment to this wrinkled brain of mine would naturally lead to dysfunctions in how I do, well, anything, right?

It’s not apparent, it’s not on the surface, and it lacks the drama and flashiness of other forms of neurodivergence.

Hey (another) fun fact: did you know that people who have ADHD fall under an umbrella category of people called neurodivergents and y’all normies are affectionately referred to as neurotypicals? Remember those terms because I’m going to use them as quick and easy short-hands.

Have you ever heard of executive function? It’s something you don’t really notice or ever have to think about because it’s always working behind the scenes, all the time, constantly – an orchestrator that dynamically allocates and manages your focus and attention in response to the fluid changes of tasks in your life.

It helps you build routines. It helps you switch between things you need to. It helps you return to tasks that you’ve put away. It isn’t even just the big stuff, it includes things like brushing your teeth or showering or eating food. When it works flawlessly, you don’t notice it, you’re going about your day as you do.

Remember how I said that people with ADHD don’t have a deficit of attention as much as an issue with regulation? Of course you do, you’ve been paying attention, you don’t dynamically and rapidly forget things the same way I do–this regulation issue is an issue with executive function and it’s what we affectionately refer to as executive dysfunction.

That orchestrator is hungover and tired and frequently dumps attention and focus into one thing and it’s often just a thing you want to do the most rather than anything you need to do. You’ll notice this, frequently, if you know people with ADHD, they do something called hyperfocusing which is just the 100% investment of focus into something, even as other tasks demand attention. In some ways, this is useful, I could do immense research tirelessly without getting bored. In many ways, this is also detrimental, I could put off showering, moving, and even eating while doing something and it’s especially worse when there are other things I really wanted to do.

Hey, (yet another) fun fact: studies show consistently lower levels of dopamine in people with ADHD compared to neurotypicals – dopamine, of course, being the pleasure and reward chemical in your system that gives you fulfilment from things.

How does an inherent dopamine deficiency play into this?

Well it forms a really chaotic marriage with your executive dysfunction. Dopamine regulation is another thing neurotypicals don’t often think about day-to-day because they don’t notice it working when it does.

You know when you eat something delicious and feel satisfied? You know that video game you put down when you’ve had enough? That “enough” feeling is because of the natural dopamine levels keeping you relatively fine engaging with enjoyable things in short bursts.

People with ADHD typically don’t have enough dopamine in their systems and it creates a perpetual craving for it. If something – say a video game – sparks that dopamine rush, you get addicted fast because you’ve been starving for dopamine the whole day. If you eat something delicious, you binge until you’re actually sick because you can’t stop. This couples with your executive dysfunction and you’re drawn to enjoyable things at the detriment of literally every non-dopamine boosting task imaginable.

Tasks like brushing your teeth isn’t fun, it doesn’t spark that pleasure center in your brain, but you still do it because the dopamine in your system makes it so that you aren’t seeking enjoyment from brushing your teeth, if you’re a neurotypical.

If you have ADHD? Brushing your teeth is secondary to scrolling on Instagram first or playing a quick game or watching a quick show. I brush my teeth while listening to podcasts every day because it’s the only way I can motivate myself to brush my teeth everyday. I watch TV shows while eating because eating food is boring but eating food while watching something is fun. You probably know this, to some extent, when you work with music in the background as an example, but now imagine the music’s turned off and you cannot work and simply stop because you’re restless and irritable.

Stimulation drives us neurodivergents, it keeps us grounded, we’re restless a lot and need this constant stream of stimulus to keep us engaged in nearly everything we do and that even extends to listening to you speak!

I’m not being mean, I love listening to you! Really, seriously, but you have to understand how we take in information and why we can’t do it efficiently without stimulus. Our brains don’t retain continuous streams of information for very long before wiping the slate clean. It’s a frequent issue. I’ve read the same page six times before turning it because halfway through I’ve forgotten what I read so far and need a recap. I’m rewatching scenes because I suddenly stopped paying attention. And when I’m listening to people, I will spontaneously zone out and lose track of what you’re saying.

Stimulation is that booster jump to your brain that periodically keeps you alert enough to pay attention. It’s why I can be on my phone doing something else when I’m listening to you – I’m not ignoring you, it’s the mechanism I’m using to pay attention to you. It’s called stimming and we do it all the time in different forms and combinations – from the eyes wandering to the fidgety hands. The infamous restless leg. The random noises we make with our mouths. The pointless repetitive borderline compulsive activities that we do. It’s rocking, it’s dancing, it’s pacing, it’s motion. It’s also not exclusive to ADHD, of course, it’s a common amongst other forms of neurodivergence like autism.

It also manages our emotions. That restlessness when I’m in a still environment? My skin feels claustrophobic. I feel a constant anxious need to escape. Stimming isn’t just a means of paying attention to you when you talk, it also helps me not get overwhelmed by the stream of information you’re channeling towards me. I can’t pay attention and I’m stressed that you’ll realize I’m not paying attention but when I move or shake or look at my phone, that restlessness dissipates and I’m calm and able to follow what you’re saying.

Was that a bit of an information overload? Don’t worry, I get it, I get overwhelmed frequently by excess information, that brain fog is perfectly normal.

I’ll be frank, a lot of this is new for me too. I didn’t know I had ADHD until the tail-end of my 20s so I’m still constantly learning how this all works and I’m far from an expert. I’m not a psychiatrist and I don’t have a background in biology so if you’re interested in knowing more, either because you have ADHD or are struggling to understand someone in your life who has it, it’s worth doing as much research as you can and reaching out to the experts.

Disabilities like these are complicated and particularly challenging to understand if you’re neurotypical but just try your best. You can’t make a neurodivergent loved one more neurotypical in much the same way you can’t make someone straight – what you CAN do is understand and accommodate them.

Life is hard enough as it is but you can make it that much easier with just a little empathy, compassion, and inclusion.