What does a married woman look like?

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

By the time I turned 23, I had already been on my own for 5 years. Those 5 years were abundant with opportunities to become independent with many mistakes along the way, but they taught me a lot about myself.

Pretty soon after, when my relatives started fulfilling their self proclaimed birthright of asking, “When will you be settled?” I realized I wasn’t so sure about the concept of marriage, altogether.

I had already been taking care of everything on my own for a number of years, and it seemed to me that tying myself to anyone didn’t make sense— no one would be able to contribute to my own life the way I had already taken charge.

Until I met my now husband.

Turns out, I definitely still don’t believe that everyone needs to get married, and the concept itself, in the traditional sense, may be outdated.

Is love enough to decide on this legal union?

Well, we took a more practical approach.

In our case, after assessing our cultural backgrounds (we’re Indian after all, moving in together as boyfriend and girlfriend would have resulted in atleast one heart attack in the family) and the fact that we’re both secure enough to not get in each other’s way, we decided that we’d take the chance.

Our relationship is mostly based on friendship, and the fact that we just wanted to help each other grow. The potentially lifelong sleepover was an added bonus.

So far, it’s definitely been worth it. Having a partner to share everything with wasn’t a need but a great addition to my life. I didn’t need to marry my husband, but with him I just wanted to take the chance.

I’m 28 now, and I’ve been married for 2 and a half years.

The best part about my marriage is that we’re still both exactly who we were, before we signed the papers. And I’ve noticed that, “You don’t seem married,” is something I’m told quite often.

Considering a lot of other couples I know, that somehow feels like a compliment.

But I’m not naive. I know this isn’t the norm.

Which makes me think…what the hell does a married woman look like to society?

In the Indian context, this is a lot of things.

She must know how to cook and clean. She must be able to manage the house. She must take care of her husband. She must wear respectable clothes and speak with respect to everyone, whether they earn it or not.

She must always appear happy. She must listen to not only what her husband says but also what her in-laws suggest. She can only do the things that she’s allowed to do, with permission. Even though she’s a grown adult.

Her behavior is somehow considered a reflection of every relative’s reputation. Her life, interest and everything in between should always be about prioritizing her marriage.

She now belongs to the family she married into.

I’d really like to ask, how does that make any sense?

I promise you I didn’t feel any different after our wedding day. So was I supposed to act like I am changed?

And while my marriage is the kind of relationship where we treat each other as equals, people outside of our union have quite a lot to say, because we don’t look like the traditional husband and wife. Mainly because no one is dictating my decisions.

The truth is, my husband and I share many responsibilitIes, alot of which appeared after the wedding. But we also have our own lives.

He is more social while I like hanging out at home. I’m artistic, vocal and loud while he does more thinking than speaking. We trust each other and share our most honest thoughts.

I still wear what I want and act as I please. He has no say in how I choose to express myself. No one does. My husband and I have a partnership.

The biggest thing that’s more evident now than before our marriage, is our loyalty to each other and our commitment towards honesty and communication. Marriage for me is us deciding that we would get through life together. Not destroy our true selves.

Ofcourse we make compromises, but everything is a choice and not a sacrifice— Infact I  feel more free now with him by my side than I did when I was on my own.

And somehow that makes so many people so angry.

We are very different from each other but because we signed a legal document, people expect us to change. To conform. To follow the rules. To give up the things we love.

Why?

None of the explanations presented to me make sense. “It’s just the way things are,” or, “What will people think?” Just doesn’t feel sufficient enough for me to trade true self.

Infact, I believe, if I am continually feeling trapped and unhappy, my marriage won’t even last.

I’ve realized now that my initial fear of marriage was rooted in exactly these nonsensical expectations. It’s time to update the norms–if a woman chooses to be married, maybe we should let her decide what roles she wants to take on. And she definitely does not need to change.

I urge us as a community to ask ourselves, why must marriage equal misery?

Does getting “settled” also mean giving up the real you?

I’ll tell you what a married woman should look like…

Truly, deeply, exactly and completely, free to still be herself.