My experience with vulnerability and men
A reflection on observed differences amongst men and women

Photo by mwangi gatheca

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicide.

“Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear. It can also be the birthplace of connection, joy, creativity, belonging and love”

– Researcher and storyteller, Brene Brown.

 What marks us as evolved beings is our complex emotions. As a child I used to carefully categorise my strengths and my weaknesses. Today, what I mark as a strength is my ability to accept, without shame, the things that have gone wrong in my life. Having a close group of girlfriends while growing up allowed us to create a safe space for each other to talk about what was really going on. I owe it to my girls, as it encouraged me to be vulnerable. 

I was nine years old when I lost my father to suicide. To build a connection with someone, they’ve always had to know this big truth about my life. It was something that I used to be ashamed of before I knew better, but I’ve always told it anyway. I may never find out the truth as to why my father died, but I know that there were failures in his life that he could never own up to and asking for help was not an option. He was a man and being vulnerable was not an option.

Vulnerability is really hard and we all run away from it. It’s something as humans we want to numb almost immediately. Either we distract ourselves or we deny our feelings altogether. But besides our collective difficulties with being vulnerable, it is more challenging for some of us. With the added pressures of our expectations and society’s repulsion towards emotions, many people, especially men, have had a difficult time expressing themselves.

Think about what is still often shoved down most young boys’ throats (especially here in India)– being vulnerable has been discouraged for centuries, real men have to be tough, resilient and nothing is allowed to break them. So many of us as children have never seen the men in our lives cry or talk about their feelings. Infact growing up, I noticed even young boys were often bullied for showing emotion, being told things like ‘man up’, ‘take it like a man’ and not be a ‘wuss’. My first glimpse at how toxic masculinity does not spare any sex or gender.

This affects everyone. I’ve come across so many strained relationships where women find it hard to be who they truly are amongst men who shut them down for being ‘too emotional’,  and as a result, they begin to internalise their pain too. So many of us discouraged from vulnerability end up projecting our own insecurities and internalized  pain.

I also find that most of the men in my life don’t really know what to do when I open up about a problem. I can see their anguish–their immediate reaction is to fix it, rather than being open to listening, loving and empathising. If we can understand and accept our own pain, empathy gets easier. Sometimes even with our own problems, we can do nothing about them, we have to be patient with ourselves and resist putting a bandaid on a deep wound. We have to accept them for what they are.

The men I know have a funny way of dealing with their insecurities–to laugh about them. They will ‘rag’ a friend about something they are insecure about just to make the matter a little lighter. Sometimes, the coping mechanisms we develop automatically are not enough. The shame that comes along with our pain needs to be let go of, harmoniously. 

So to any man reading this,

So many of us all don’t want to be honest about how we are feeling because we are too scared of being judged. Our worry that we will be viewed as not good enough stops us from really being seen. But honestly, if we aren’t vulnerable, it gets harder to connect with ourselves and the world around us. You deserve to feel comfortable in emoting who you are.

Believe you are worthy of love, through every success and failure. We live in a vulnerable world, things generally don’t go our way, and instead of numbing it all, I encourage you to embrace it. Life can become so much easier.

And whether you identify as a man, woman or anything in between, the truth is, we’re all human first. So laugh, cry, complain and share your burdens. No judgments. We’re all in this together. We see you, we hear you, we feel you.

Tarsha Kohli