The Underappreciated Powers of The Matriarch

Pictured are Lorellie Barboza and Dhruv Warrior with their baby Annora

A matriarch, in this context, is the female head of the family, usually through marriage, though in the predominant patriarchal society, that exists in India as being a ‘good mother’–the most important, and sometimes the only goal and role she has.

Most of us look at our moms and see normal motherly behaviour as she goes about her day. We generally take her for granted and don’t see her value, we don’t see everything that she sacrifices just so our lives can run smoothly. No one is exempt here, myself included.

According to a study, “Children and Gender Inequality : Evidence from Denmark”, a man’s career growth is not affected after children, while a woman’s career changes right after she gives birth. It is often an unspoken happening that the emotional responsibility of the children and the house falls on the shoulders of the mom, naturally increasing the hours she is on her feet both at the office (if she chooses to continue work, or the decision is made for her) and at home.

We see similar patterns amongst women who are not mothers, too. For example, in most Indian households, women are usually meant to prioritise their families, the chores and managing the house, sometimes over themselves and their careers.

Soon after marriage, everything in the  household becomes her responsibility, while her male counterpart earns the money. Even if the family does have house help, the matriarchs are the ones to make sure that things run smoothly. Everything is done with so much thought and effort that the man of the house and/or the children rarely see a reason to get involved.

Even if the matriarch here does have a full time job, she is still the woman of the house, her expertise is always needed. It’s rare for her to be able to completely take a step back. The term “super mom” is supposed to symbolise power, but what it also does is encourage the idea that moms are responsible and capable of everything and that it’s okay to push any boundaries set by the individual, unless she hits the unattainable mark.

Look at my own example–I lost my father when I was quite young, so to every bit of recollection, my mom ran the show. She knew everything about my brother and I–what we liked, what we didn’t and our potential. She went out of her way to put us before what she needed. She was both father and mother to us, she was the parent.

This role is generational. What my mom understood after giving birth herself was that keeping her children safe was an unconscious everyday act, it wasn’t something she could ever opt out of, and her mom was often the only one she could turn to. “It’s difficult to even pinpoint what all my mother did for me, so maybe appreciating it didn’t even cross my mind,” my mother often exclaims, ironically.

My mom did so many things that went unnoticed. I only realised what they were once I started to live on my own. I had to think like her if I was going to survive. She was an independent woman and I was lucky to watch her take charge of situations. I learned how to mother myself just by watching her care for me, and that’s a skill I will most likely carry around forever.

“Sacrifice” is a term synonymous with alot of our mothers till their death bed, whether she’s a newly single mom, the head of a joint family or even just someone mothering adults.

What we commonly interpret as a marriage in the patriarchal sense, is not always an equal partnership.

While we should definitely play on our strengths in any relationship, this really shouldn’t have anything to do with our gender. But the good news is that other types of family structures do exist and they are slowly increasing in number. I learned so much about a different approach from the couple I interviewed for this piece, Lorellie Barboza and Dhruv Warrior, new parents to their one year old baby, Annora.

“Having a partner to share the mental load has been extremely relieving, we are there for Annora as a team and that leaves things running as smoothly as possible”, Lorellie exclaimed, to which Dhruv replied, “This is my house and my baby, helping out is not what I am doing here.”

For this matriarch, the medical and emotional burden that comes with giving birth was especially heavy– it came during a global pandemic. Having to share this load, Dhruv spoke about feeling trapped by fear for the first time in his life, “Being sleep deprived and overworked has led to feeling my emotions more intensely, which is actually a good thing!”

As he continued to talk about how he didn’t want Lorellie to have to bear the responsibility of their child by herself, I really felt that this example should become our norm, “I have seen women lose their sense of self after bearing children, I did not want that to happen to Lorellie.”

It wasn’t easy for him to be this partner, it took him some time to be able to balance his passion for his job and being there for his family. But he did it, is doing it and doing it well.

And yet, the current societal structure expects many women to handle this burden alone.

But there is hope. For this couple, things are refreshingly simply human and balanced, “Our daughter has two primary parents, and is happy reaching out to either one of us when she needs someone.” Annora has a greater chance at being a bit different than I was as a kid and she’s definitely going to learn that both mom and dad had an equal part and responsibility in raising her.

The truth is, handling the house and bringing up children should have always been a two person job, but it hasn’t always been, and many of our matriarchs made this seem all very easy, when it really wasn’t.

So if you’ve managed to reach the end of this article, and a lot of it hit home, call your matriarch, whether it’s your mom or someone else. Thank her for all the things she did that went unnoticed!