When My Daughter Came Out to Me

Pictured is Padma and Roshini Kumar

A mother’s perspective

What’s it like for a parent when their child comes out of the closet? We spoke to Padma Kumar about her experience.

“ I was getting ready for bed one night in May of 2020 when my daughter, Roshini, gave me a call.

‘What’re you doing mom?’ she had asked–it only took me a moment to realise she needed to talk. ‘I need to tell you something important,’ quickly followed, and I remember taking a seat, ready to listen to what she had to say.

Talking to Rosh is a part of my regular routine. Like most mothers, I am eternally bonded to my child and hearing about her life is always the highlight of my day. But something was distinctly different about her tone during this particular conversation, I had an instinct to pay extra attention.

‘Mom, I need to tell you that I am bisexual.”

I think I let out a sigh of relief. As a mother I was concerned something bad had happened.‘So what? You’re still my child,’ Was my immediate and natural response. I didn’t really think it through.

‘Do you even understand what that means, mom?’ She asked, baffled by my prompt reply.

It didn’t strike me how shocked she really was, ‘ Of Course I do, you are attracted to men and women,’ I told her gently.

‘Ok… I am going to call you later,’ she added before she hung up. From my perspective, I felt an immediate moment of pride. I was reminded of the closeness of my relationship with my daughter and was really honored that she chose to share this information with me.

‘What do you mean you’re just ok with it? People aren’t supposed to be just ok with it! Mama please take the time to digest this if you need to,’ she had already texted after our brief phone call.

And then it hit me.

My immediate acceptance had caught her off guard. She was scared, she expected much worse. She thought I would have more questions.

To be honest, I was in awe and I was humbled. I thought about how brilliantly empathetic my daughter is. This was her moment, a moment that takes so much courage to share, and yet she was worried about my reaction.

This only fueled me. I knew that it would be my turn to always remind her that this was a safe space. That her sexual preferences were not going to burden any of us.

I then told my husband, who also reacted similarly and next was my mom. In our language I slowly explained, ‘Some people like both girls and boys. Our Gundu is one of them,’ to which even Aaji said, ‘As long as they love each other, it shouldn’t matter.’

That was it. That is how my daughter came out.

I’ve heard of so many families reacting badly to their children revealing their sexualities to them. I never understood that though. Imagine the amount of courage it takes for the child to first realise the fact about themselves, let alone how scared they must be to share it with their parents? Her coming out to me was a privilege.

When Rosh finally accepted that we were all okay with her news, my usual banter followed soon after, ‘I am so happy you have better choices now. You can have hunks and babes!’ Was my next communication on the matter.

And I meant it. My only hope for Rosh’s choice  in a partner is that they treat her well. What more does a parent even want?

Surprisingly, I actually got some criticism from the outside world. Rosh got a second life after she beat cancer in her teens, and many people associated our acceptance of her to be related to our emotions attached to what she went through. But that’s not true at all! I have always been like this– even though my parents were really conservative , they never stopped me from being who I was. So who was I to tell my daughter who she should be?

Society is constantly dictating what our children can or cannot do. I think we should stop letting outdated stigmas and other people dictate how we handle our own. Especially in our part of the world, where our kids are often dependent on us parents for a longer time in many ways, we hold even more power in their lives. Shouldn’t we be using that responsibly?

My only concern for Rosh, throughout her whole life, has been her safety and complete happiness.

My love for her is unconditional. If I don’t understand something about her, I think it’s my job to take the time, to learn, to listen. If something is tough for us as parents to understand, imagine how hard it must be for our kids. We chose to have the child, so I really believe it’s our responsibility to be by their side, through every step. The world is hard enough.

Plus, I am biased, but I think Rosh is the best kid in the world. She comforts me more than I could ever comfort her.

And when she smiles, there is no greater joy. It’s the best part of being a mom.

My child’s happiness belongs in her own hands. Not mine.

She’s our rockstar, no matter who she chooses to be with. I am more than happy being her mom and number one groupie…for life!”