Codependency vs. interdependency in romantic relationships

Photo by Joeyy Lee on Unsplash

I don’t know about you, but after a recent difficult break up, I am sometimes very demotivated to head back out into the dating world.

Hear me out. I’ll attempt to tell you why.

Coupling up always seems great in the beginning! But what shifts? What happens when the relationship actually starts?

One of the biggest aspects–we start to depend on one another.

And that’s totally ok…but sometimes it develops into something more.

It is almost natural that we all have dependency needs, and in a healthy relationship they can mostly be fulfilled. Co-dependent relationships, however, involve two people, where one person is more dependent on the other to take them through life and the other is the enabler who keeps them from being able to survive without them.

According to a piece by Jennifer Berry, “What’s to know about codependent relationships?” published in MedicalNewsToday, “ A person who is codependent will plan their entire life around pleasing the other person, or the enabler.”They form an indestructible mesh.

I, unfortunately, have played both roles, during the course of the same relationship. As many pockets of my life started to crash around me I looked to my partner as my only source of emotional wellbeing. My boyfriend at the time felt required to fulfill my needs and they eventually became his, too. He was my everything, the only thing that made sense to me.

This ate at our relationship–slowly and steadily, we went from a couple who never fought, to two people who never stopped. We were toxic at the time and didn’t know any better.

It’s important to note that according to Berry, co-dependency can exist between friends, siblings, child and parent, flatmates, co workers etc., especially if there are signs of emotional, physical or substance abuse.

Nobody wants to take the blame for this, but to be honest, both partners live off the toxicity, creating a loop. One needs and the other needs to be needed. Sounds pretty unhealthy, doesn’t it ?

Well, sometimes you can’t really see what you’re standing in unless you’re out of it. I experienced that, too, for a while. But unlearning unhealthy patterns is the way I’m choosing to move forward.

An interdependent relationship is what I am aiming for in the future.

“Interdependent relationships and codependent relationships aren’t opposites, they actually overlap. The difference here is that the first allows you to be you, and the latter has you compromising on your sense of self,”  says Dr. Natasha D’cruz, practicing

psychologist and psychotherapist.

In interdependent relationships, both parties make their relationship a priority, but can find joy in outside interests, other friends and hobbies. “In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom,” stated an analysis, “Codependency vs. interdependency,” by Darlene Lancer published in PsychCentral. The people involved have a life outside of their relationship, creating a balance between their different walks of life. This enables them to compartmentalise their priorities, keeping everything afloat.

In a healthy partnership, the pair tends to push each other to fulfill their own goals and desires, while in a codependent relationship one person has given up their aspirations to please the other, and the other wants their partner’s attention, only to themselves. 

Now that you know better, ask yourself if you exhibit these characteristics. And if you do, you’re not alone. Let’s reflect and make an effort to move towards healthier patterns, together?

I know now that it takes one partner to break this pattern, but both to transform the relationship.

And self preservation is important to see yourself through this. Prioritise yourself.

So yes, I’m having trouble navigating through the dating world again.

But now I know it’s not a bad thing–BRB just working on myself!