Coming Out of the Closet
Model: Ami Yammi; Photography: @Raunaq Sikka; Team: @daghettoman; Mua: @mehekvirani; Styled by: @charusharma67
“I used to be Yogesh and I’m not ashamed of that,” says Nayantara, a trans woman who is a fashion blogger and history teacher. Assigned male at birth, coming out of the closet for Nayantara was quite the journey… that she is still on.
If you identify within the queer space, coming out is a familiar term. Technically referring to accepting one’s sexual orientation and/or gender identity, specifically in the LGBTQIA+ community, the act (or acts) is actually much more than that.
“It all started when I was a teenager— I realized I was attracted to the same sex, but growing up, we didn’t have access to queer education.” It wasn’t until Nayantara moved to Mumbai for college, that she started really accepting who she was. “I first came out as a homosexual man. But every label comes with its own checklist and I never could check off all the boxes,” she adds.
Her story doesn’t stop there. Still scrutinized for her dressing and styling choices, Nayantara’s voyage had just begun. “No part of my experience has been premeditated. It’s always been instinctual. Infact, even my name came to me on its own, it was like my soul was speaking to me.” Ah, the magic of our inner voices.
Nayantara in a Diwali campaign 2020, photographed by Varshil Anchan in Mangalore.
In 2019, after years of building an online community that accepted her, Nayantara was born. “Coming out is a process and it is extremely difficult. Especially when the ones closest to you don’t understand. In a way, social media is what truly gave me the space to accept that I am a trans woman. I’ve come out twice!”
Currently, Nayantara is content with remaining a pre operative trans woman and is very proud of it. Again though, there are many things she can’t check off the list with her identity. “Some of my loved ones think there’s still time to reverse this, since I’m still pre operative. But it’s ok to not want to get operated on and still identify confidently as a trans woman. I am very much aligned with my body even without surgery. Not everyone will accept it, but it’s your own opinion that really matters.”
With pushback from the majority of her immediate spaces over the years, the one thing Nayantara always did was stand her ground. “It was scary, lonely and heartbreaking at many stages, sometimes it still is, but the one thing I always had and will have by my side is, well, me. I’ve never doubted who I am, even if I had no support. That’s what liberates me.”
Like we see in Nayantara’s journey, prejudice is everywhere, even in our own communities. For those in the queer space, cultural conditioning adds to the battle. “There is a lot that our society doesn’t understand because it was never taught to us. But that can’t be an excuse. Just because we don’t understand something doesn’t mean we have the right to disrespect it. There are ways to learn, unlearn, support or even simply coexist, it just takes a little effort.”
Coming out of the closet is more than just an outward destination for queer folks. “While it could be manifested publically, it has nothing to do with others and is not necessary to substantiate who you are,” says Nayantara. It is a difficult, complicated and intuitive process with many battles along the way, an ongoing expedition if you will, and it can look different for everyone. Some may even choose to never come out. And that’s okay!
“I think coming out of the closet is your journey and your journey alone. The bravest thing you can do is to be unafraid to feel everything that you feel,” says Nayantara. “And to those that have a hard time accepting us queer folks, I’m just going to quote Sri Devi’s line in English Vinglish and remind you that in the end, ‘Dil toh dil hi hain (A heart is a heart)’ — no matter what I look like, how I dress or who I love.”
It’s no surprise that the world is not black and white, but a spectrum of colors. Some hues just lack representation—people like Nayantara are aiming to change that.