How to be an ally to transgender and non binary people
“The way a trans person experiences living in their body in this world isn’t something one can imagine without being trans. Assumptions and misrepresentation of trans identities is the biggest deterrent to ensuring equality for trans lives worldwide. The only true way to be an ally is to listen and take our word for it.”, said Durga Gawde (them/they), an artist, activist, educator, India’s 1st Drag King, Drag Dominatrix, Actor and Model.
Durga continued to explain to me the relationship to body and the binary, they said,
“Trans people experience a disconnect with themselves early on. It is not always that there is a disconnection of the mind and body. To understand that the disconnection caused is not to themselves but to the rigid expectations of gendered behaviour set by society.
The existence of the binary is convenient for the compartmentalisation of people into a hierarchy that is based on biology. So anything that exists outside the binary in its existence is political, to come into a world where your existence is political from your first breath to your last is a stress that is carried in the muscles of every single trans person in the world. The complicated questions that identity goes their entire lives without asking because they are comfortable is not a privilege for trans people or anybody that is different from the norm. So as children most trans people don’t get to be children and from the get go our understanding of oneself is skewed and warped. To operate as a functional human being in a world that fails to remember our existence is hard to say the least so this causes anger and frustration and distress and we all carry it with us through the day. To be a good ally is to know that equality will not come into existence until we are put on a pedestal and heard. When you see a trans person taking up space and if it bothers you know this, we are owed way more space in the world than you can imagine.”
I then went on to speak to Patruni who said, “I think one of the main problems is that people don’t know what a trans or a non binary person has gone through. Gender dysphoria is a real thing”, exclaimed Patruni (he/she/they), a trans non binary person or gender maverique.
“There are dialogues in movies that can be nothing to you but are very triggering to me. So as an ally, one needs to be aware of what may cause any effect on transgender and non binary people. And if I can’t sit through the movie, It would be amazing if you’d walk out with me” they added.
As a non binary trans person, navigating through their identity is complicated at many levels.“I would like to go for a haircut without someone commenting on my beard and saying things like, if shaved, I would look manlier. Even under the umbrella word ‘transgender’ there are other identities and not many people are aware of this. They expect a trans person to be a certain way.”
According to Patruni, true allyship extends a hand to everyone. “There are some allies that are name sake allies and some that would only specifically support gay men. There are feminists and there are trans inclusive feminists that exist in the scene right now. There maybe different intents to being an ally, but the ones that really stand out are those who are pushing to gain understanding and knowledge of the LGBTQIA+ community as a whole and help create a safe space for us,” said Patruni
Allyship means different things to different people in the LGBTQIA+ community. We can see that, especially amongst trans and non binary persons, there are constant boundaries being crossed by cis gender folks. It takes time and effort to be a good ally and here are some of the ways one can be:
- Listen: Listening to real trans narratives without getting defensive is the first step towards trans-inclusive behaviour. Listening also means Doing your own research rather than asking a trans person intrusive questions that make them uncomfortable. There are thousands of resources available to you — content created by trans people and trans educators, that you can turn to for information. Educational books and autobiographies, videos and podcasts, or articles written by trans teens and adults for major media outlets allow you to hear directly from a trans perspective. Become familiar with current language and terminology used about and within the transgender community. Language and terminology are constantly changing, as some terms fall out of favour and become offensive, others (like “queer”) are reclaimed from being a slur to being a point of pride, and others are added to expand our understanding of the variances of gender identity and gender expression.
- Respecting a person’s pronouns: Familiarising yourself and using the correct pronouns is critical to respect a person’s identity in your actions. When you don’t refer to a person with the correct pronouns, you are referring to your idea of them vs. referring to the real person they are, this action invalidates a person’s identity. Many non binary people prefer the pronoun ”they”, and it is grammatically correct to use they when referring to one person. Neo-pronouns (i.e. Xim,Ze), feel more accurate for some non binary individuals and with a little bit of practice, their use becomes second hand. Mistakes are bound to happen especially if you knew the person by their given name and given pronoun. If you do make a mistake it’s okay to just correct yourself and move on. Lengthy apologies aren’t necessary, and the best apology acknowledges the error without making the other person feel the need to comfort or reassure you that they are okay. You don’t have to understand it, you just have to respect it.
- Ask a person’s pronouns: It is okay to ask a person how they would like to be referred to if you are unsure. It is not rude to ask a person their pronouns. It is preferred, rather than assuming and misgendering a person.
- Practice using inclusive language that acknowledges and supports various gender identities, including those who are nonbinary. Instead of addressing a group of people as “ladies and gentlemen,” refer to them as “guests” or “colleagues” so that no gender is assumed. Update language around gender roles and stereotypes so that a fireman is a firefighter, a mailman is a postal worker, and a waitress is one of the waitstaff.
- Be mindful of microaggressions and backhanded compliments. These are statements that cause emotional damage to a trans person. They are harmful because they tend to reduce a trans person to a few body parts, give them a perceived value based on how well they conform to cisgender (non-transgender) beauty standards, or tokenize them.
Some examples of microaggressions and backhanded compliments are:
- “Did you have the surgery yet?”
- “I never would have guessed you are trans. You look so good!”
- “You’re too pretty to have ever been a man.”
- “I could tell you are trans because of your voice (or size of your hands, or jawline…)”
- “If you were going to look like a tomboy, why didn’t you just stay a boy?”
- “Are you going to get some work done to look more real?”
- “Be thankful you don’t have periods. They are so annoying.”
- “How do you have sex?”
- “It’s so cool to have a trans friend.”
As you move through the steps needed to become a better ally and learn about inclusive language, you will probably start to notice transphobic language happening around you. It’s important to use your voice to interrupt that kind of casual or intentional transphobia. Whether it was a “joke” a dismissive or hurtful comment, intentional misgendering of another person, or derision about the transgender community, call it out. Your speaking up can become the catalyst that causes others to speak up as well.
6. Support organizations that support the transgender community. Because of a history of discrimination and systemic oppression of trans populations, many services that we use and take for granted every day still seem unaccessible or unsafe for our trans loved ones. Support Trans healthcare, suicide prevention and mental health facilities, low-income housing or homeless shelters and other Trans social services in any way possible. Organisations recommended by Durga Gawde to support are, Humsafar Trust, Tweet Foundation and POV
7. Know that even if you do all of this it is not enough. Do you do social media? It is the first time in history that trans people have some agency on their narrative. Trans narratives and their erasure through history is real so know that you are experiencing history in the making and you are part of it. As the trans community throughout the world gets more connected and vocal there are bound to be deeper conversations about allyship and action. Stay ready to do more, without making it about you. Because it is not.